‘If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.”

Matthew 18:15 NRSV

Which of the following characterizes your approach to conflict:

1. The Ostrich approach – stick your head in the sand, surely the conflict will disappear
2. I handle conflict pretty well.
3. I love conflict and consider it a form of recreation.

When driving, how often do you use your horn?

1. Rarely/only in defensive mode
2. It is the part of my car I love the most/I look for opportunities to use it

At a restaurant, how often do you complain about the food?

1. Never, I suffer in silence
2. Only if it’s cold or there is a large bug in it.
3. Regularly – I usually go out to my car and honk the horn until they get it right.

Which of the following describes you -While waiting in a checkout line, I…?

1. I pray for a blessing on those ahead of me and/or visualize world peace
2. Clear my throat, groan & sign, look at my watch, roll my eyes, and mutter under my breath, “Don’t even think about pulling out coupons…..(Adapted from John Ortberg’s book, Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them, pp.128-129).

We deal with conflict in different ways and we all have different personalities!

Jean Vanier, founder of L'Arche, an international organization which creates communities where people with developmental disabilities and those who assist them share life together, writes:

“Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts…A tension or difficulty can signal the approach of a new grace of God….”

I love that…..”The approach of a new grace of God.”

Note the different translations of Matthew 18:15

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” NRSV

“If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower.” (Contemporary English Version)

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you have made a friend.” (Eugene Peterson’s The Message).

“If a friend from your community does something to upset you, have a quiet word together in private. If you talk it out reasonably, you’ll be the best of friends again.”

(John Henson’s Good As New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures)

1. CONFLICT
2. COMMUNICATION
3.  RECONCILIATION

CONFLICT – “A friend from your community does something to upset you…”

Note the following:

To be alive means to be in conflict.   

Conflict is natural & normal.

I used to think that lack of conflict was a sign of spiritual growth and maturity….it is not….UNITY OF PURPOSE is a sign of spiritual maturity….but conflict is a natural and normal part of the journey towards unity of purpose.

COMMUNICATION – Approach the person you are in conflict with. “Have a quiet word together in private.”

We make excuses not to do that…“I don’t want to do that. I’m not good at confrontation. I want to stay and stew .I’m enjoying my resentment…and I’m enjoying letting others know about it! We go to someone else and say, “Can you understand my concerns about this brother or sister in X and is also a deeply disturbed psychopath?!  

The simplest guideline is to approach other people the way you would want to be approached. Be as direct as you can.

RECONCILIATION - “If you talk it out reasonably, you’ll be the best of friends again.”  “The goal in conflict situations is not to win or score points – it’s reconciliation.”

It’s not always simple and almost never quick. (The above material is adapted from Ortberg, pp.125-144).

“Perhaps the most essential quality for anyone who lives in community is patience: a recognition that we, others and the whole community, take time to grow. If we are to live in community, we have to be friends of time.” (Jean Vanier)

We have a ministry of reconciliation – in the church and in the world.

Next week we will look at forgiveness.